We pulled off on the side of the dirt road and screeched to a halt. Both of us had been violently sobbing, and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to maintain control of the car. She sat collapsed against the passenger door, trying to collect her breath, repeating quietly to herself:

“why…why…why…why…”

I reached out my arm to touch her, my eyes wilted with tears. She shrank away from my hand. I sought to reassure her, that it didn’t mean what she thought it meant. That it’d been my dream since I was a boy. That I finally got to choose my path.

“I don’t know how you can say you love me if you can just up and leave for two years.”

With only two weeks to accept the offer from the Peace Corps, I agonized over the decision until my stomach convulsed. But it felt right. It sat right with my heartbeat, so I wasn’t expecting her reaction when I excitedly told her I’d made up my mind. She felt betrayed, abandoned, diminished. This implanted a rock in my gut that I carried all the way onto the plane, whisking me away from her. I cried for the first hour of the flight, and felt very weak when we finally touched down in Washington D.C.

Staging —

This is the Peace Corps orientation. It’s always stateside, so that you can meet up with your fellow Corps members before you embark for your host country together. You get a full medical examination, including the first series of vaccinations for Hepatitis, Rabies and a whole host of other ailments, delivered in a packed, arm-numbing shot. This is also where you receive your in-country assignment. Most Volunteers end up teaching English (the generality of a liberal arts education). In my interview, I had expressed a desire to do something other than that, and I should’ve been careful about sharing this wish. Due to my experience running the on-campus student health center, I was unbelievably dropped into the medical cohort and deputized as the pre/post-natal care expert for our class.

I’d never even held a baby up to that point in my life, let alone have the expertise to teach young mothers how to feed, weigh and care for their infant children. I thought our leadership team had made a horrible mistake, and approached them with my reticence to accept this job. They assured me I had the right experience and would receive further training once we arrived in Mali. This was the first omen I sensed when it came to the Peace Corps — there’d be many more.

I genuinely enjoyed my fellow volunteers. We had very diverse group — geographically, philosophically, ethnically — And I savored getting to know them in various bars around D.C. as we awaited our departure to Africa. The only thing that gave me a sense of isolation came in their answers to the question: “So, why did you decide to join the Peace Corps?” Their responses bounced between the declarative “No idea” to “I heard the surfing in Cote d’Ivoire is rad.” Not hearing the assumed altruistic attraction, I wondered if I’d signed up for the right program.

The day we departed for Africa, we all assembled into a stars-n-stripes flag-infested room, overhead fluorescence buzzing like the town gossip. Here, our status as official and legitimate members of the United States government would get solidified. Our right arms raised into the air, we all recited the oath taken by all uniformed services:

“I, (first, last name) do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter.”

What is a US Uniformed Service member, you might ask? In addition to a Peace Corps Volunteer, it also includes members of the Secret Service, the FBI and the CIA. I didn’t mind swearing allegiance to the Constitution. I love that f***ing document. I had major problems unknowingly permitting my entry into our intelligence fraternity at this point in the process. It felt like there was no way out. It felt like there was no way out.

I hate feeling swindled.